Friday, November 30, 2012

Dealing with jealousy while TTC

While women are getting pregnant all around me, I find myself wondering what it is that I am doing wrong. I feel angry and jealous followed my just plain sad. I know its not Christian of me to feel any of these things but I cant help it. I have turned to prayer and my bible for the answers. I love the way the Lord works when I look to him. I do what I like to call Bible magic 8 ball. I pick up my bible and I just open and read. Well on this particular day I was in my 6th month of trying and I had just learned of yet another pregnancy. This time the women was not necessarily trying, they were just seeing "what happens." Well, I opened my bible to a book I had never read. It was the book of Ezekiel. Here is what I read..

Ezekiel 8-12 Idolatry in the Temple

In the sixth year, in the sixth month on the fifth day, while I was sitting in my house and the elders of Judah were sitting before me, the hand of the Sovereign Lord came on me there. I looked, and I saw a figure like that of a man.[a] From what appeared to be his waist down he was like fire, and from there up his appearance was as bright as glowing metal. He stretched out what looked like a hand and took me by the hair of my head. The Spirit lifted me up between earth and heaven and in visions of God he took me to Jerusalem, to the entrance of the north gate of the inner court, where the idol that provokes to jealousy stood. And there before me was the glory of the God of Israel, as in the vision I had seen in the plain.
Then he said to me, “Son of man, look toward the north.” So I looked, and in the entrance north of the gate of the altar I saw this idol of jealousy.
And he said to me, “Son of man, do you see what they are doing—the utterly detestable things the Israelites are doing here, things that will drive me far from my sanctuary? But you will see things that are even more detestable.”

What stood out to me at first was the numbers in the beginning and I was just caught up in the reading from there. That's when the presence of the Lord came over me. My jealousy over others joy is very displeasing to the Lord. So I decided to dig into my bible more and read what the Lord says about jealousy. I came across this 

1 Corinthians 3:1-3

Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it.Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?

And then this 

Galatians 5:26

26 nLet us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

don't want to be of the flesh. The Bible tells us that we are to have the perfect kind of love that God has for us. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.(1 Corinthians 13:4-5) The more I focus on myself and my own desires, the less I am able to focus on God. When I harden my heart to the truth, I cannot turn to Jesus and allow Him to heal me.  But when I allow the Holy Spirit to control me, He will produce in me the fruit of my salvation, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Being jealous indicates that I am not pleased with what the Lord has given me. He has given me 3 beautiful healthy children, an AMAZING, faithful, loving, and most important patient husband! How could I not rejoice in that. In order to combat this jealousy I need to be more like Jesus and less like myself. Focus on the good the Lord does for me and not focus on what I feel he doesn't. Find comfort in fellowship and mature Christians who can help with my path of righteousness. Remind myself every day that the Lords plan is by his will, his design and ultimately in his time. Hanging tight to my favorite verse...

   Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thanks for reading. 

Blissfully Chaotic. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

SA Results are in and a RE update.

So, We had the semen analysis done and we received the results and can I just say, there is NO reason I shouldn't be pregnant.  Here is the break down followed by a quick explanation of what each means.

376 million sperm/ML = 3ml was given
70% Motility (needed to be greater than 50%)
74% Morphology (Needed to be higher that 30%)
 Total count was 1.128million. In case I did that wrong.. 1 Billlion 128 Million. THATS ALOT!

Motility is how they in a straight line not in circles.
Morphology is what they look like. They have to have good heads, straight tails, they need to be healthy otherwise if they swim good but have double heads, small heads, or big heads they cannot penetrate the egg.
These are unbelievable results considering he had a vasectomy for 7 years prior to surgery. I am very happy with the results but it left me feeling like I was the problem

I met with the Infertility doctor on Monday and he said he doesn't feel like we cannot conceive on our own but would put me on Clomid if I wanted. I haven't decided on that yet. He did a ultrasound and said my uterine lining was REALLY thick. Like so thick he confirmed I was in fact pregnant last month and didn't clean everything out when I had my period. He wants me to come back in on Cycle day 2 or 3 to do another sonogram to see if my uterine lining is shedding appropriately. If not, I have to have a D&C. Husband is leaving next weekend for anywhere between 3-6 weeks for work. I am not sure how I feel about a D&C while hubby is gone. I was hopeful that I was pregnant this month but it turns out I am not. So, on to another cycle and praying for another day that I will be blessed with a test with a double line!

Friday, September 14, 2012

The day of truth!

Matthew 21:21

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.

Today is the day my husband will have a Semen Analysis to see if his reversal was a success or a failure. I cannot even begin to explain how I feel! I am so nervous, yet hopeful. I am scared yet at peace. I know the Lord has a plan for me and for us but I would just like a glimpse at what it is. Today is that day. I know we had return of sperm so in the medical community that is considered a successful surgery. To me a successful surgery would be return of sperm that can give me what my heart longs for...a baby! I barely slept, I cant eat and I feel shaky inside. Like at any moment I could burst into tears. I pray that the results are good and I pray we are blessed.

I have an appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist/Infertility doctor) on Monday. If everything is good for my husband then I want to make sure everything is good for me. Here's to more praying and realizing my faith is what will get us through! All it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed to move a mountain. I think my faith is bigger than that. God is good ALL THE TIME!

Thursday, September 13, 2012


I am a 30 some thing wife and mother of 3 amazing, busy children. Trying to keep the chaos at bay and run a smooth happy household. We are currently Trying to Conceive baby #4. We are struggling with self induced infertility issues. My husband had a vasectomy on 2004 after our 3rd child was born. We flew to Oklahoma to have it reversed. You can find that in my original blog Surgery Trip! I'm starting a new blog for our new life. I felt my old one had way to much of my past life and language and I want to close that chapter. We are a Christian household trying to raise our children up in the ways of the Lord. Making the transformation was hard but also the very best decision we ever made. Follow our family in our trials and smiles, Infertility battle and simplifying the chaos.